How Mediators Handle Domestic Violence Allegations Without Derailing the Entire Process
From the initial phone call and continuing throughout the mediation, family mediators must screen for domestic abuse. Physical violence and other forms of abuse are not tolerated. In addition to physical abuse, I check for coercive control. Examples of coercisve control include, among other behaviors: not giving a spouse passwords to financial accounts, telling their spouse that they cannot talk to their family of origin or friends, telling their spouse that they are not permitted to seek employment outside the home, threatening them if they retain an attorney, gaslighting, threatening to publish personal details on social media, disparaging their spouse to the spouse's parents and siblings, sharing details about the divorce with the children, instructing the spouse not to mention certain details to the mediator. People must be able to speak freely and make informed decisions. As a mediator, I take steps to insure that people are not subjected to abuse in any form - physical, financial or emotional. Mediators are constantly on the alert for signs of such restraints on voluntary, informed decision-making, free of intimidation and manipulation.
Properly trained mediators take necessary precautions to insure a safe environment. Safety and peace of mind are absolutes for mediation. Decades ago, advocates for survivors of domestic abuse were reluctant to recommend mediation. This view changed when advocates realized that mediators know how to properly screen cases, take appropriate measures for the protection of victims, or, if such measures are not possible, to terminate mediation. Advocates came to realize that victims working with an expert mediator can fare much better in mediation than they would if subjected to exhausing, expensive, emotionally draining litigation with an abusive spouse.
Professionals experienced in family law are well aware that litigation does not necessarily protect victims of domestic abuse. Abusive partners often use litigation as just another way to abuse their spouse - through delay, withholding financial information and support, expense, ignoring court orders and gaslighting. Often in such cases, the victim experiences such emotional and financial exhaustion that they accept unfair settlements just to stop the ligitation. (There are studies showing that victims of abuse have a lower rate of obtaining primary custody compared to cases where there is no abuse.) In other words, court battles just become a war of attrition rather than an effort to reach equitable solutions and child-focused parenting plans.
Only about 2% of all cases actually have trials. In litigated cases, when someone has an abusive or irrational spouse, the victim often just gives up and signs a settlement they don't actually like just to put an end to the case. It is difficult to find anyone who has gone through the adversial court process with an abusive spouse who has anything good to say about litigation. The law has remedies to protect against physical abuse, but it is more difficult to address less obvious forms of abuse through litigation. The victim, after multiple motions to address such abuse, often ends up being portrayed by the abuser as a person with emotional problems rather than a victim of abuse.
Ironically, mediation is sometimes appealing to abusive spouses who do not want their abusive behaviors to be publicly disclosed through litigation. The privacy and confidentiality of mediation can sometimes bring out a much more cooperative side of abusive spouses, anxious to protect their reputation.
Illinois Law and Domestic Violence in Mediation
Courts have the authority to issue Orders of Protection. When an order is in place, mediation must respect its terms. That may mean separate rooms, remote sessions, or restrictions on direct communication. Mediation does not override court orders.
Illinois divorce law does not prohibit mediation in cases involving domestic violence. Instead, it places responsibility on mediators to screen cases and adjust procedures. This balance allows mediation to remain an option without ignoring the seriousness of abuse allegations.
I always start mediation with individual, separate intake meetings. The meetings are totally confidential and provide an opportunity to screen for domestic abuse, coercive control, fear of angering the other party, intimidation or manipulation by the other party. I inquire about any specific fears or concerns of each party and their ability to speak freely. Conflict avoidance is the most common form of dealing with conflict, so I address steps that might be needed if anyone is hesitant to speak in their own behalf. I reassure people that they never have to make on the spot decisions, can demand additional information from the other party, and set a pace for the mediation that is comfortable for them. Further, under Illinois law, parties are entitled to be accompanied by their lawyer or other support person in mediation. Naturally, the attorneys/support persons are bound by confidentiality like everyone else in the mediation. Other than threats of violence, what is said in mediation stays in mediation.
Safety Measures That Keep Mediation Moving
Mediators take steps to address issues of safety in mediation. These measures allow discussions to continue without putting anyone at risk.
I mediate exclusively via Zoom. This is the most common form of mediation globally. Zoom mediation is effective, convenient and obviolusly offers greater safety. Breakout rooms allow me to check in with each party from time to time, or to do shuttle mediation when appropriate.
In my practice - Jerald A. Kessler Professional Mediation - I treat safety planning as an ongoing process. Conditions may change as mediation progresses, and Illinois divorce law allows flexibility in how sions are structured.
Neutrality is a core principle of mediation, but it does not mean ignoring allegations of harm. Illinois divorce law expects mediators to remain impartial while also recognizing safety concerns. This balance is delicate but achievable.
I do not investigate or make findings about domestic violence. That function falls under the court's divorce procedures. Instead, I acknowledge the allegations and explain how they affect the mediation process. This approach allows both parties to understand the boundaries without feeling judged.
By clearly separating mediation from adjudication, the process stays grounded in divorce law while avoiding unnecessary escalation.
Practical Tools Mediators Use in These Cases
Mediators rely on specific tools to manage domestic violence allegations without derailing progress. These tools are grounded in best practices and aligned with expectations under Illinois divorce law.
Separate intake interviews to identify safety concerns
Shuttle mediation to limit direct contact
Written communication guidelines during and between sessions
Regular check-ins to reassess comfort and safety levels
These methods allow mediation to continue in a structured manner while complying with divorce law requirements.
Seek Experienced Legal Mediation
Even with serious allegations, mediation can offer benefits that litigation cannot. Privacy, flexibility, and control over outcomes remain valuable. Illinois divorce law supports mediation because it can reduce court congestion and foster durable agreements.
For many families, mediation provides a space to resolve issues without reliving trauma in open court. When safety measures are in place, the process can move forward without minimizing the seriousness of domestic violence.
At Jerald A. Kessler Professional Mediation, I approach these cases with care and clarity. My goal is not to push mediation at all costs, but to apply divorce law principles in a way that allows progress where possible.
By respecting safety, legal boundaries, and individual experiences, mediation can address domestic violence allegations without derailing the entire process under Illinois divorce law.
I’m proud to serve Libertyville, Illinois, and the surrounding areas. Call today for more information.
